Day 13 – Letter to Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear God,

I seek your forgiveness because I always doubt about your existence. But you make it so hard for me to believe in you. Yes I am not the one who gives a specific time period of the day remembering you. 

I am not the one who chants your name 108 times every single day. I am not the one who prays or looks at you while passing by you (in temple). And sometimes even if I join my hands I do not bow myself because I am angry at you.

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Forgive me for not praying to your so many avatars. I get angry at those who make me to pray in avatar of ‘this’ or ‘that’. Because for me your existence is not in various but ‘one’.

Right from the age we start to learn and grasp things we are made to learn ‘God helps those who help themselves.’ Sadly as I grew up what I see is everyone busy praying to you rather than helping the needy. Don’t get me wrong there are many who donate money or food. But for me the question arises: Are they doing with the thought of ‘selflessness’ or for increasing their ‘good deeds’ or as called in hindi – ‘punya’?

If all of these I think is wrong then forgive me. I am not an atheist, I have faith in you. Yes I do sometimes feel you are punishing me with this current life situation but at the end it leaves me thinking what if you are testing my faith in you?

Forgive me for my angriest side I show to you more often these days. Each and every passing day the barrenness is snatching my breath and faith in you.

Yours,

Who else could it be?

Day 12 – Letter to the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

I will never start this letter with 'Dear'. You people who I hate most do not deserve the 'dear'. You caused me the emotional pain which I had begin to believe there wasn't a cure for. I never believed there would be people like you in my life. 

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My life was doomed. You have no idea how much pain you people had caused. I had begun to wish each day there shouldn’t be a tomorrow for me. Days were painful and horrendous near you. The thoughts of ‘death’ and ‘to escape’ overpowered my brain. I had wished to die, to give up everything because I couldn’t pick myself up.

Wait there is more! I had failed myself in life. I had wanted to jump in front of the train or die in any circumstances within few seconds - the only escape from that pain.

I had to suffer and bear the ‘most painful’ disease condition recorded in medical history. I lived through that pain with gritted teeth and swallowing my own voice of hurt. But neither of you understood the pain.

I had endured the pain for what? For standing up for myself and being me! You tried to deter my courage by weakening me. You wanted me to be a puppet with the strings in your hands. But you know what- the pain made me stronger. I was in darkness all the way to realize - You never had the strings of my life!

Everything happens for a reason and after meeting you I have realized never, ever be dependent on anyone for your happiness. If I can’t pick myself up from the rut, no one will.

I took a wrong turn and met you. It wasn't the road less traveled but it is the road where I turned to be 'me' as I am today. 

I will never wish bad for you because Karma is a b***h and it will get you.

From the one who will never be yours.

The Lovely Bones- Life after Death

Well that sounded bit weird, life after death?! But Susie Salmon the protagonist in the book The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold has a flicker of life within her. She was raped and murdered at the tender age of fourteen by her neighbor George Harvey. I haven’t spoiled the story for you as from the beginning Susie tells us about her killer lurking everyday on the earth so close to her family.

Even after death she wants to share her story because even in the heaven sharing lessens her pain. She quotes, “Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain. It was that day that I knew I wanted to tell the story of my family. Because horror on Earth is real and it is every day. It is like a flower or like the sun; it cannot be contained.” 

There are many Susie around us. Some coming out to talk about the horrendous act and some silently die each day but still living. There are more than 1000 rape cases reported in a year in India. The numbers might be more than this which are hidden in the dark corners. Who is at fault? This question distresses me. Is the upbringing at fault? Is the illiteracy a cause? But there are sexual assaults reported in high profile, educated crowd too. Or is it the law? Or should we blame on the hormones?

I am not being a feminist because sexual assault is not limited to females.

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Coming back to the book, the story narrates how the death of a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover has impact on the every single life attached to her. It is so difficult for Susie’s parents (Jack and Abigail Salmon) to accept their loving daughter is brutally murdered. A father’s instinct is so strong that he knew who killed his angel. A mother who knew her daughter is no more but couldn’t come to the term as no one except Len Fenerman, the detective talks about his thoughts and 'who killed Susie?' It is the first time Abigail hears from someone that her daughter has 'died'. 

The death of Susie creates the turmoil in Jack and Abigail relationship. ‘Escaping’ from the family is the only option left with Abigail. Lindsey and Buckley, the sister and brother are wonderful characters with maturity at young age.

The characters of Ruth and Ray Singh (her friends) are commendable. It is delightful reading their part in the story.

Though the book has a touch of fantasy in it, the story is close to reality. There is no twist and turn or any suspense but goes along the course as life does. There are few chapters I couldn’t agree with but then who has seen life after death? Susie watches over her family and how their life shapes with absence of her.

There is only one instance in the book where ‘The Lovely Bones’ is mentioned. “These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections-sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent-that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events that my death wrought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous body had been my life.” 

The book deserves to be read. 

Don't Love Me 2.2

She peeked through the window and saw the full moon beaming at her. She smiled. She smiled to herself after long. She found solace in the moonlight at that very moment making the hollowness in her life disappear.

She flipped through the pages of her journal which she had begun to write again, again after abandoning writing since few years. Her fears, her anxiety, the terror, the dread were cascading on the paper. The outpouring of the emotions lessened her burden.

She had stopped groping for love. She dreaded 'Love' after meeting him. She never read about such love in books or poems she adored.

She wrote down: “This is not love. You don’t love me. Because love never hurts. Love never makes one want to die. Love gives warmth in fear. Love gives strength in weakness. Love never abuses. Love gives assurance. Your love is not love. Don’t Love Me!”

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Previous posts:

Don't Love Me 2.1

Don't Love Me 1.2

Don't Love Me 1.1

Don't Love Me 1

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Advice to My Younger Self

Dear 18 year old Poonam,

You have recovered from the most distressing illness but the ones who never had it will not know how it has sucked the energy out of you. It has not only destroyed you physically but also emotionally. It pulled you back hard from the ‘ambition’. The path you would be walking will be smooth for a while but it will take a drastic turn which you will not see coming. It is going to be difficult. You might fall hard on the face and no one will be beside to pick you up. Here’s my advice for you:

      Love and Pick Yourself Up

Do not wait for anyone to feel like being loved. Nurture self-love every day of your life. You can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself. Take time to care for self. Focus on the health. It is always okay to treat and pamper. Never be embarrassed if you fall down. Pick yourself up. You can do it, always!

      Be ‘You’

Do not try to copy others and never compare yourself to others. Be inspired from the successful people and also from the ones you meet day-to-day who have worked hard for where they are right now. Always remember: Be the Best version of ‘You’!

 Never Give Up

It won’t be easy to achieve  goals. Work, work and work hard. Fail! But continue working on the task. Perseverance is the only key to get there where you want to be. Never, never, never ever give up. Also do not try to please others. PeeCee says: “If you like me, that’s great! If you don’t like me, I don’t care.” Make this the theme of your life.

 Live in this very moment

Stop living in past. It has left you. It is time you leave it. Stop being anxious about future. Future won’t be good if you do not focus on today. Life is short, make the most of it. It is high-time. Dance if you feel like. Scream if you want to. Sing if you want to. Write what you feel and want to. Do not shy and suppress your emotions.

      Life goes on

You might know the truth of it but life goes on and it will get better. It always gets better, sooner or later.

Mark the words of Colonel Sanders the founder of KFC bold in your life: “You got to like your work. You have got to like what you are doing, you have got to be doing something worthwhile so you can like it – because it is worthwhile that it makes a difference, don’t you see?”

Lots of love and hugs (because no one will give it when you need them),

Poonam

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Day 11 – A Deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear young lad,

It was the first and last day that we meant. I remember you very well and always will. You were chatty and did not look ill but the cancer was feeding on you.  I remember how you talked about the school and friends. You did not shy away when I started the conversation.

The doc was going to operate on you and everything would have been alright. But it did not. There was no ‘next day’ for you. Life is unpredictable and unfair.

Your last breathe! The memory is still crystal clear: one deep inhale and you were gone. I remember your mother sitting on stairs alone. It wasn’t her but I in front of you during the last breathe. How strange is life! How I had thought in those few seconds to pull you back and not let you go.

No medical equipment was able to review you. When you were taken in ICU I saw your parents. She wasn’t crying. She was calm on outside but I could feel her, losing her child.

Rest in peace.

Yours,

The one who will keep you alive in memory

I'll Be Gone

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I live with a constant fear

Life on the land is so unclear

I ride on a boat of extremist

Cruising through the sea mist

The waves make me rise and fall

Breaking the angst wall

One puff puts me in trance

I revel in it and dance

Ecstasy flowing in my veins

Flight from all the pains and chains

Blood churns as blazing fire

Yearning this desire

One puff and away from the shore

No more prisoner of crazy mind war

I am the lonely soul

Inside the smothering mind control

Trapped inside this depressed body

Secrets seen by nobody

Tide takes me away from this world

Like a baby I curled

Storm can’t deter me

Happy ending I foresee

The island where my soul set free

I write the final song

My memoir after am long gone

I hear the distant music

I savor the seismic

One puff and I am in ashes

End of distressed clashes

For once and for all

I let go,

to be just ‘Me’ and to be Free

Suicide is considered as a crime but Sexual abuse in childhood or anytime is the darkest and hardest spot to wash off. 

Chester Bennington poured his suppressed memories out which is also reflected in his songs. One of my favorite song by him: Castle of Glass