Day 16 – Letter to Someone that’s not in your state/country

Dearest Oprah,

Oh my god!!! I am finally writing to you. Sorry I’m squealing like a little girl but I was a little girl when I first saw The Oprah Winfrey Show. Wasn’t I flabbergasted watching you? I tried to enact you, the way you speak. The halo of your confidence left me mesmerized. Keeping a show alive for 25 years with same enthusiasm is commendable. 

Photo by Jackie K. B. Ayres on Unsplash

I am learning lessons of life from you. I am going to be frank here they are difficult (quite next to impossible for me) to incorporate, nevertheless I am trying.

Let me confess I never get bored or tired watching your interview videos and talk show. I was listening to one of your interviews where you said after watching your mother washing clothes you thought: ‘My life is not going to be like this.’ This was you, the thoughts of a 6 year old girl!  And rest of the female population keep envisioning life to be the same like their mother.

The world doesn’t require two Oprah Winfrey so I don’t want to be like you. I am not being rude. I just want to say you are the best the one and only one. I will take in your affirmations, the attitude towards life and be ‘alive’.

My achievements are far from the people you have interviewed. Standing by your words, “You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” So I'm asking (hope) to meet you and what if it might come true?

Yours,

Living by your words: “I Deserve the Best!”

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10 Things I Should Have Learned While Growing up!

There are some things which are taught in school, by parents and others to learn on your own. FACT: The ‘OTHERS’ are THE ones which sustain our life and should have been taught.

1.      It is absolutely okay to say NO

Have you realised that saying ‘NO’ requires courage than saying ‘Yes’? Have you felt the heart beat increase when you want to say ‘no’ but can’t?

I wished there was someone who made me understand the importance of No rather than saying yes all the time. I learned it the hard way.

2.      It is okay to be NOT OKAY

Our upbringing has wired our brains not to disclose the true emotions. Keep hiding. Cry alone in the bathroom. Wipe the tears it is not good to cry in front of everyone. You are a big girl now. Big boys don’t cry.

Familiar?

So next time when someone asks you about your well-being throw the mask of a good girl or good boy and speak out: “No, I am not okay. Life is effed up!”

3.      Self-love

Create a ME time every single day. Bathe with warm water with infusion of Epsom salt which takes away the fatigue be it physical or mental. I listen to music, I write in my journal (not every single day), take up a task in Start Where You Are,  the self-explanatory journal. I never realized my thought process and the subconscious mind until I began working on this journal.

Start Where You Are: A Journal for Self-Exploration

4.      Investment

Everyone brags about money but no one talks about the importance of investing the hard earned money during adolescence. We give allowance to kids but forget to explain to save some of it.

I should have done it in my early twenties but it is never too late. Now I keep learning about stock market, mutual funds and invest some portion of my earnings.

I am happy the upcoming generation does have knowledge about the investments.

5.      Be Grateful

Do not wait for a crisis and then be grateful for this life. Thank for this life every time you wake up from sleep. I admire Muniba Mazari and keep repeating her words of giving gratitude to the life inside my head.

 6.      No one has time to think about you

They have big mouths to talk all the shit about you but trust me they don’t think about you all the time. So why waste time by thinking, “What will they think about me?”

7.      Menstruation is not a taboo

Do not wrap the sanitary pads in paper to hide them while buying. I have stepped in the temple on first day of my period. There wasn’t thundering or lightning, God did not stop me or ordered me saying: “You are not allowed in my premises.”

 8.      Never judge the book by its cover and people by their attire and appearance

If you judge people, you will fall hard on the face. Take my word for it.

9.      Life is short

There are going to be good days and few really really bad ones too. But Life is short so write down a bucket list; strike out what’s on it one by one because time is ticking.

My Bucket List Journal: Make Things Happen!

10.   Stay Single

Saved best for the last. *lol* 

Twitter Tuesday

Why twitter Tuesday? Because Twitter is a platform for microblogging and I want to keep this blog post short. I want to continue with the ritual of writing each day even if it is short.

Talking about ritual I listened to one of the mastery sessions (5 Powerful Rituals) by Robin Sharma on the app - Robin Sharma Speeches. (I am a freak when it comes to anything related with self-improvement, motivational and self-love. I listen to podcasts, Tony Robbins, Steve Jobs, Oprah Winfrey, J.K.Rowling whenever my mind is calm and head clear)

The highlight of the session was “Consistency is the mother of mastery.” And consistency is what I have been lacking all throughout my life especially this year. I had listed down goals for this year but like resolutions they are melting away.

The first ritual is Waking up early (Seriously!?) I am a night owl. I have tried my best to go sleep early and wake up early. I can wake up with the help of an alarm obviously (snoozing it two times though) but after 2 hours I feel so drowsy and sleepy. I go back to sleep. (Failed! Attempt number: I have lost counts)

The other ritual I liked and want to stick to it is: The ritual of continuous learning (Becoming a 60-minute student). To elaborate it: Commit at least 60 minutes of learning each day without any distractions.

My mind is like a butterfly. (Please tell me it is same for you and am not the lone butterfly out here) After listening it I realized I do nothing like 60 minute learning. I mean not even at work. I can’t sit at stretch. I am a multitasker.

I will definitely try these rituals and keep you updated. You can read all the 5 rituals here.

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish

We surround ourselves with ‘What if’ and ‘but’ in life that we forget what we need to change is our ‘mindset’ and not what surrounds us. I hit the big ‘30’ mark of life this June and what did I accomplish? Nothing is the word that hits my mind. I am not living the life I dreamt of. This is not the life I wanted but this is the life I have chosen. We are trained ourselves to be ordinary and gel in the crowd right from the beginning of life. What if I want to choose ‘the road less traveled’? What if I don’t want to live life according to the social dogma?

I worked hard during academics throughout school, junior college and medical college. Five and half years of scraping my butt to be entitled as ‘doctor’ but not as the so-called mainstream one but a homeopath has led me to nowhere. Trust me we homeopaths are ridiculed and not considered as ‘doctors’. Oh right! We did not learn about the chemical ingredients that most often harms the kidney. And oh the scraping off the skin and muscles of the cadaver in first year of medical college that I did was in my fantasy! We are paid pennies for the same position which the mainstream doctor earns thousands.

I got side-tracked with the topic. Coming back, I admire and idolize Steve Jobs. I have the recording of his speech in Stanford University which I listen to often and bring myself back on the track of life I want. Few snippets of his speech:

"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I try to make his words true in my life but each day I fail. I fail. I fail. I live for other people’s expectations as if they control my life. I die bit by bit each day by trying to please others. What others will think? What others will say? What if I fail? DAMN! I am already failing to achieve something which I haven’t aimed for.

Last night I finally decided to let my pen take the control of my mind and the following flowed. Even the pen hesitated to write down the thoughts but nevertheless it did not stop. Writing always saves me. (My handwriting is much better than this, the pain ruined it!)

Snippets from my Journal

When I was a teenager I wanted to be married at 25. As I grew up nearing 25 I wasn’t ready for it. Call it fate parents wish I did get married at 25. 

Like most women, I thought it would be easy once I decided to start a family. I was surprised that Mother Nature kept poking me in the eye, saying, 'Nope, nope, nope.' - Nia Vardalos

5 years down, I am struggling with infertility. The questions of ‘when’ and the fingers pointing ‘I cannot’ broke down my self-esteem into million pieces which on the contrary I did not realize. You won't understand the emotional and physical pain I endure every month. Smiling through pain isn't easy.

A total stranger made me realize how I have made my life to be doomed. His words hit me hard, strong enough to break my thinking of ‘being incompetent’. I haven’t absolutely broken that mindset but I am taking each day as it comes. Not able to conceive is not my weakness, accepting that I never can will be my weakness.

I will Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish and not let anyone define me by my fertility. 

Now that you know about my #TTC life I want you to stick this quote in your mind forever:

“A small social guideline: don't ask a woman if she is pregnant unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina, and she asks you to cut the cord. Then and only then may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.” ― Nia Vardalos, Instant Mom

Day 15 – Letter to the person you miss the most

Dear child in me,

Where are you? I do hope you are still here even though I cannot feel the presence. I need you. Do you know I am walking on the toughest path of my life? I shine a smile on my face but no one knows the struggle within me.

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There is no one to talk to. There are many, but there is no person whom I can speak to carefree. I want to be like you again - a child, who lives with no fear, who lives life to the fullest, who is happy with the smallest things in life.

I have seen you working hard for the goals you set without any distractions. I am just not able to do it. I procrastinate, procrastinate and procrastinate. WTH! is going on with me? I am struggling to balance all the sections of life but keep falling down.

You were so simple. You never expected anything out of the reach yet you were there - on the top, happy, content and always focused.

The loneliness never bothered you, but its killing me. Trust me I try my best to keep myself busy. But there comes a time of stillness. When there is no sound, yet the voice inside my head screams. "Why? When? How?"

I am waiting for a miracle. Is there anything like a miracle? Or is it only a way to pacify ourselves that everything will be alright? I haven't put a veil on the reality but I fear of breaking down.

Please come back.

Yours,
who lost you while growing up.

Day 14 – Letter to Someone you’ve drifted away from

Dear H,

I have drifted away from you emotionally. You are the most depressive person I have met. Trust me I tried hard, really hard to cope with your mood swings but they are horrible than my hormones. What should I call our relation? Compromise? Adjustment? I decide not to label it.

Photo by Pete Bellis on Unsplash

You have done a lot for me. I appreciate it. But by the end the ‘doing’ is felt as I owe you something and all the appreciation vanishes.

What have I gained from this relation? The feeling of unworthy, the feeling of being useless. The worst side of me would have never risen had it not been for you.

I had been counselled relationship don’t work like this but not for me, anymore.

Yours probably,

Who will always be there for you but with the heart of stone.

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Day 13 – Letter to Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear God,

I seek your forgiveness because I always doubt about your existence. But you make it so hard for me to believe in you. Yes I am not the one who gives a specific time period of the day remembering you. 

I am not the one who chants your name 108 times every single day. I am not the one who prays or looks at you while passing by you (in temple). And sometimes even if I join my hands I do not bow myself because I am angry at you.

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Forgive me for not praying to your so many avatars. I get angry at those who make me to pray in avatar of ‘this’ or ‘that’. Because for me your existence is not in various but ‘one’.

Right from the age we start to learn and grasp things we are made to learn ‘God helps those who help themselves.’ Sadly as I grew up what I see is everyone busy praying to you rather than helping the needy. Don’t get me wrong there are many who donate money or food. But for me the question arises: Are they doing with the thought of ‘selflessness’ or for increasing their ‘good deeds’ or as called in hindi – ‘punya’?

If all of these I think is wrong then forgive me. I am not an atheist, I have faith in you. Yes I do sometimes feel you are punishing me with this current life situation but at the end it leaves me thinking what if you are testing my faith in you?

Forgive me for my angriest side I show to you more often these days. Each and every passing day the barrenness is snatching my breath and faith in you.

Yours,

Who else could it be?