We surround ourselves with ‘What if’ and ‘but’ in life that we forget what we need to change is our ‘mindset’ and not what surrounds us. I hit the big ‘30’ mark of life this June and what did I accomplish? Nothing is the word that hits my mind. I am not living the life I dreamt of. This is not the life I wanted but this is the life I have chosen. We are trained ourselves to be ordinary and gel in the crowd right from the beginning of life. What if I want to choose ‘the road less traveled’? What if I don’t want to live life according to the social dogma?
I worked hard during academics throughout school, junior college and medical college. Five and half years of scraping my butt to be entitled as ‘doctor’ but not as the so-called mainstream one but a homeopath has led me to nowhere. Trust me we homeopaths are ridiculed and not considered as ‘doctors’. Oh right! We did not learn about the chemical ingredients that most often harms the kidney. And oh the scraping off the skin and muscles of the cadaver in first year of medical college that I did was in my fantasy! We are paid pennies for the same position which the mainstream doctor earns thousands.
I got side-tracked with the topic. Coming back, I admire and idolize Steve Jobs. I have the recording of his speech in Stanford University which I listen to often and bring myself back on the track of life I want. Few snippets of his speech:
"If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
I try to make his words true in my life but each day I fail. I fail. I fail. I live for other people’s expectations as if they control my life. I die bit by bit each day by trying to please others. What others will think? What others will say? What if I fail? DAMN! I am already failing to achieve something which I haven’t aimed for.
Last night I finally decided to let my pen take the control of my mind and the following flowed. Even the pen hesitated to write down the thoughts but nevertheless it did not stop. Writing always saves me. (My handwriting is much better than this, the pain ruined it!)
|Snippets from my Journal|
When I was a teenager I wanted to be married at 25. As I grew up nearing 25 I wasn’t ready for it. Call it fate
parents wish I did
get married at 25.
Like most women, I thought it would be easy once I decided to start a family. I was surprised that Mother Nature kept poking me in the eye, saying, 'Nope, nope, nope.' - Nia Vardalos
5 years down, I am struggling with infertility. The questions of ‘when’ and the fingers pointing ‘I cannot’ broke down my self-esteem into million pieces which on the contrary I did not realize. You won't understand the emotional and physical pain I endure every month. Smiling through pain isn't easy.
A total stranger made me realize how I have made my life to be doomed. His words hit me hard, strong enough to break my thinking of ‘being incompetent’. I haven’t absolutely broken that mindset but I am taking each day as it comes. Not able to conceive is not my weakness, accepting that I never can will be my weakness.
I will Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish and not let anyone define me by my fertility.
Now that you know about my #TTC life I want you to stick this quote in your mind forever:
“A small social guideline: don't ask a woman if she is pregnant unless her water breaks on your flip-flops, a baby arm dangles out of her vagina, and she asks you to cut the cord. Then and only then may you ask if she is having a baby. Otherwise, shut up.” ― Nia Vardalos,